- 26
- Jan
- 2011
- - Posted by
/ 0
I struggle to see clearly trough tears and write. It’s really hard to put something in words. I don’t know what’s right or wrong to write in here. What am I allowed to think or feel. Somehow I’ve got a feeling that I am not allowed to feel that way in my heart and even less write about it. To be honest I don’t know how should I be for a long time, I haven’t been feeling exactly myself for a while now.
If anyone should ask me, what is the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life, then I’d say without a doubt it’s dealing with the fact that your gone. There will always be that Something between us, that special Something that not even words can describe. Didn’t matter if we were fighting or not, smiling to each-other or saying the worst things…just the look into each-other eyes.. When talking on phone, hearing each-other’s voices, it always ment that our tone would change.
We sure did fight also, but we never had the strenght to stay angry or mad to each-other. All the reasons for that were gone the second we saw or talked. When we got along and didn’t fight, we were the bestest friends ever. We could talk to each-other about things we would never tell a soul. Our conversations just wouldn’t stop, we could have talked the whole time in the world if there wasn’t any interrupting factors.
I have picked up the phone so many times to call You, because this is all so hard and You are the one I would really want to talk to in such case. Sadly realizing I can not call You anymore, I’ve just put the phone away..
You were the one who could infuriate me the way noone can but You also had the ability to make me the happiest person in the world. There are so many things between us- the secrets we’ve shared, things we have done, words we’ve said, things we’ve told…etc. Nobody can ever imagine it or ever get to know these things…they wouldn’t even understand that. Those things will always stay between the two of us. Our history and all those memories, that’s just something that can’t be faded away.
I can’t thank You enough for the greatest gift in the world. Our daughter is so much like you. She reminds me of you every way. It’s so heartbreaking to see how she looks at Your picture and keeps repeating your name, I just can’t imagine how am I supposed to explain this to her.
All this still feels so untrue, that I can’t believe it. I just can’t except it. It feels like I’m going crazy and living in somekind an unreality.